The Tribulation

I'm heartbroken. This isn't even a new heartbreak but one that I know will never be resolved. I don't know what I can do. I mean, I know there's nothing I can do but I want to fix this so badly because I miss him so much. I want this relationship so badly. Even after all these years. After ignoring, after mental blocking, after hating and cursing and swearing off forever... I love him. I miss him. And I feel robbed that I could not keep him in my life. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart in realizing that my dream of having him re-enter my life was dashed by reality. All of the memories... He taught me so much. He was my first love. In a weird, crazy way, I compare all men to him. I may not have gotten much time with him but the time I had was enough to mold me forever. It was enough to close my heart and lock it away to never be touched. Because when he left, my heart broke in a way that I just realized tonight would never be complete again. Not in the way it needs to be anyway. My husband is the only one able to open my heart and I guess it became too open and it will have to be partly closed again.

I'm heartbroken from what could have been. What I needed. What I wanted. For me and my children. They would have loved him like I did.

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