Showing posts from 2017

I’ve waited here for you

Breathe out. So I can breathe you in.  Hold you in.  And now, I know you’ve always been Out of your head. Out my head I sang
And I wonder When I sign along with you If everything could ever feel this real forever If anything could ever be this good again The only I’ll ever ask of you You gotta promise not to stop when I say when 
Seven years and counting. I love you more and more each day. 
Happy anniversary baby ❤️

Wordy Bitch

Ok, so I should be doing homework right now. However, I'm taking a Business Communications class and the goal is to be clear and concise. Clear.... and concise. Clear. Concise.

Pictured: Me being clear and concise
I don't know how to do this. I'm neither of those things. I'm more like explain to you for ten minutes straight while veering off into other stories and subjects. I'm more like deep deep details in my attempt to be clearing all while making it more confusing. I'm more like instead of giving you direct instructions, give you a story about the first time I did it or my most successful time and hopefully, you'll get what you need out of it. I'm more like if you ask me a question, no matter how simple it is, I stare at you confused for 3 whole minutes while saying "ummmm....". Then you walk away and ask someone else and I realize the answer that I had in my brain the whole damn time. I am not clear nor concise.

This fact gets clearer and …

Just One Touch, Now Baby I Believe

So in preparation for the kid's birthday party next week, my husband and I had to do some super cleaning. That's where it's not just livable clean, not just family is visiting clean, but where you make it strangers entering my house and liable to judge everything clean. This meant I needed music blasting in my ear while I belt out all of my favorite tunes.

This led me to a song that I pretty much never think about. I'm not a Katy Perry fan, but I was a Glee fan. While Glee is pretty good at making unlistable songs amazing, there is just one song from the entirety of their series that stops me in my track and takes me away from life. It gives me chills every. Single. Time. I hear it.

It takes me back to the first time I watched this episode and I was in tears because there is so much emotion in this song. There's so much love and so much pain and you can absolutely feel it. But not only that. This song. This version makes me think of my husband. It makes me think of…

Wide Awake

Man, it is 5:30 am and I have not slept. At all. I'm not even really tired. I've been having to take melatonin every night to even get sleepy. Otherwise, I stay up until 11 or 12 without even noticing. So the other day I was like I'm gonna see when I naturally get sleepy. I just want to test it out.

Honestly, I didn't think I'd actually have the chance because I'm pretty much constantly busy. If it's not school work, then it's errands, if it's not errands, then it's chores, if it's not chores, then it's some activity/obligation, if it's not an activity or obligation then it's at least just being a mom and wife. Like there is no break. But yesterday I decided that I was taking Friday night off. No homework, no studying, no party planning (ok, I totally party planned), but nothing that doesn't relax me or bring me joy. So while chilling out and enjoying YouTube and binging on a newly found channel, I just was up. My husband sta…


The delicate dance between not being too ambitious and not too complacent. I don't feel above it all but I don't feel like I fit in either. I've been holding out my hand and it's stayed empty. Just grasp it and we can grow.


It's 12 am and I'm wide awake. Thank you very much, ADHD meds. What the hell do I do? I have to work in the morning. I can't drink coffee if I take my meds. Although, maybe I won't and drink a ton of coffee. Ugh! What sucks is that it's not like the medication is working in a way where it's keeping me focused though. Like I'm not about to work out, read or do anything that I would be able to do if I could do one thing at a time and without a trillion thoughts. So I'm just up. I don't even want to watch videos or anything. If I was a dick, I'd wake my husband up just so we could talk. About what? I don't know because I SHOULD BE ASLEEP!

If this were the weekend, I wouldn't even care. Yeah, I think I'll take some melatonin and put an energy drink in the fridge so tomorrow I can have a nice cold energy drink and then a nice hot coffee when I get in work. Hopefully, that'll wake me up. It won't keep me going and my brain will pro…

The Sentence

I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm a little angry.

A few weeks ago (a month?) I was diagnosed with ADHD. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I could never figure out why I couldn't pay attention in class or study. Predictably, every time I knew something important was being said and I needed to focus, that's exactly when my brain would shut off. I don't mean I wasn't thinking. I was never not thinking. It'd even be exhausting sometimes. But it would go down like this:

Something important about to be said-

Me: Fuck! Ok, if there's ever a time to pay attention it's now. FOCUS!

A person is saying a really important thing that I absolutely need to know.

Me: *daydreaming*
Me: Ugh! How can I focus? Shit! I think I just missed something. FOCUS! But how do you focus? Maybe if I just stop thinking.... Let me try that..... Ok, that didn't work. Let's see.... How about if I stare really hard at this person and try to read their l…


I often find myself in the same position. I start at the bottom and claw my way up to barely drowning, head above water or even to a point where I'm swimming. But then I look around and realize I can't move. Maybe it's because when you're at the bottom, any movement is an improvement. So when I'm no longer in that space, I have to be more careful and thoughtful about my moves and I somehow interpret that as nonmovement. I'm not sure, but I feel like it's not that. At least not mostly. I get into these better situations and I get stuck. Can't move down, can't move up. Worst yet, I usually can't even go sideways. I just have to sit.

I wanted to say how normally this doesn't bother me. But that is a complete lie. It always bothers me. Because I'm a fighter. I need something to work towards or it's just boring for me. But this particular stickiness is worse because everyone else is moving up. And so fucking easily too! It's like some…

Father's Day/ Belated Birthday

Sunday will be Father's Day and last week was my husband's birthday. I tried very hard to have a decent day planned for his birthday. Our children refused to let that happen. My delay in getting anything too far out from Father's Day, not knowing what to get outside of video games and I'm certain our children are all reasons Sunday will be a fail. So, I decided to devote this post to you: my love, my husband, the father to our children.

I know you well enough to know that despite all that bravado you feel like you are not the best father and husband.
And you have gigantic hands!
You're wrong. You're amazingness wrapped up in awesomeness sprinkled with rainbows and fairies (could mean gays, could mean mystical flying ladies... I love them either way). Here are some reasons why in no particular order:
1) You somehow haven't killed our children yet- the yelling, stomping, throwing, sassing, not listening, staying up too late, waking up too early, constantly ma…

The Implication

I woke up in tears this morning. I had a nightmare. I mean nothing visibly scary. When I recount it, it'd come off as a regular dream. But as Dennis Reynolds says, "It's the implication." 
In my dream, my husband and I were looking at a house. We go inside and it's the apartment that my ex and I shared. Usually, when I dream of this apartment, it's run down and disgusting. Just rotted and falling away. However, this time, it was beautiful. It was fixed up and gorgeous. I wanted to live there. We even talked to the woman who was fixing it and I said something like "OMG, this looks amazing! How'd you do this?!" and she said something like "Yeah it was awful but I'm going to sell it so I fixed it up." We looked around some more and then finally left. 
From there I get a call from my ex. We're not talking, we're arguing. As we always did. I hear that my husband is in an argument with my mother. Those two are going at it, my ex …

Thoughts At The Altar

I was reading this article and it made me think back to when I got married. What was I honking standing there in front of my soon to be husband? It seems stupid but I wasn't thinking anything. I wasn't nervous or scared, I just wanted to repeat the right words and wanted to start our life. As someone who is so full of constant self doubt, nerves and anxiety- this was one of the few times I was free of all of that and just certain. No questions no cold feet. Just like the day I met him. (Which again, a rarity. I'm a mess of all kinds of nerves when meeting anyone ever).

So I don't know if that means anything to our future. I take nothing for granted. But I never doubt that he was/is what michelle needed/needs since we met until hopefully forever.