Sunday, April 10, 2016

What do you Mean When I Come Around?

Green Day's When I Come Around has been my all time most favorite song since the second I heard it. It gives me goosebumps every time it comes on and is my "Desperado". But I've just never really knew what the song was about. I've listened to the lyrics and could just surmise that it's about a relationship. Some lyrics denote that it's a good one, some clearly show that it isn't. Maybe it's about an argument where they just know they'll be together?

Well, today the song came on my Pandora. I was playing music for my daughter to dance to and went into my Desperado zone while she complained that she wanted me to turn off the song because it's not "a regular song". Obviously, that wasn't going to happen, but I thought about how this song has effected me like this for years and years, so maybe it's time to find out what it's about. Enter: Google.

I was hoping there'd be some kind of interview with Billie Joe where he clearly states why this song was written. I didn't find anything. Just a lot of speculation. Mostly people who thought it was about a loving relationship where the guy loves this woman but doesn't want to commit to her right now, but will in the future. I don't know.... I just don't buy it. This song doesn't seem so hopeful looking at just the lyrics. If you think of the video, or the music, or even if you know the story about how Billie Joe wrote this around the time him and his wife were just dating but having issues because he was on the road, then sure... it makes sense. But just from the lyrics, this song is pretty much saying "I don't give a fuck about you".

Someone mentioned that it's about heroin addiction. He said how the whole Dookie album is about it and this song is about a guy addicted and the girl is worried because she can't find him. Well...that actually makes a lot of sense to me. Let's just take a look at the lyrics:

I heard you crying loud, all the way across town
Cause you been searching for that someone
And it's me out on the prowl
As you sit around feeling sorry for yourself
(The girl is crying and upset because her druggie boyfriend is out doing drugs and she can't find him)

Well, don't get lonely now, and dry your whining eyes
I'm just roaming for the moment
Sleazin' my back yard so don't get
So uptight you been thinking about ditching me
(He's feeling like this is no big deal, he's just getting high so she shouldn't be so uptight about it and 
thinking about dumping him over it)

No time to search the world around
'Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around
(Don't bother searching all over for him, because he could be anywhere. But when he comes to from his high, he'll be back home)

Well, I heard it all before, so don't knock down my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
To try and slag me down because I know you're right
(He's heard it from many people about how he should stop doing drugs and how bad it is for him and his life. He knows this but isn't going to stop.)

So go do what you like, make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing
Was ever there
You can't go forcing something if it's just not right
(She can leave him if she wants over this, but she's not sure about leaving because she loves him. He's saying his drug use isn't even that big of a problem "nothing was ever there" for her to consider that. But she can't make him change and if it's that much of an issue for her then she should leave)

No time to search the world around
'Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

No time to search the world around
'Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

When I come around

Yeah. Ok. This fits. But it just doesn't fit in my heart lol. This song can't be about drugs because I can't relate to a drug song. I mean, it may be but I don't want it to be. I've mentioned plenty of times on here how all my favorite songs end up super meaningful to me in life. This has been the exception save for a few lines here or there in it. So, I wanted to see if maybe this song could have already come to fruition in my life and I didn't even know it!

I heard you crying loud, all the way across town
Cause you been searching for that someone
And it's me out on the prowl
As you sit around feeling sorry for yourself
(She's crying and upset because she's trying to find the right person. She feels like this guy is that person but he's out looking for his right person.)

Well, don't get lonely now, and dry your whining eyes
I'm just roaming for the moment
Sleazin' my back yard so don't get
So uptight you been thinking about ditching me
(He's saying don't be lonely because I'm here. I may be looking for Mrs. Right but you can be Ms. Right Now and we can keep each other company. Don't be so uptight about this arrangement and dump me forcing us both to be alone when we don't have to be)

No time to search the world around
'Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around
(There's no time to go looking all over the world for the right person, so I'm here for fun until the right person comes to you)

Well, I heard it all before, so don't knock down my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
To try and slag me down because I know you're right
(He knows he's a piece of shit for just having fun with women but doesn't care)

So go do what you like, make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing
Was ever there
You can't go forcing something if it's just not right
(She can leave him but she may end up feeling insecure and lonely because Mr. Right isn't around. But if she decides to stay, she has to realize what their relationship is "Make sure you do it wise" because she can't make him fall in love with her "You can't go forcing something if it's just not right")

No time to search the world around
'Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

No time to search the world around
'Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

When I come around

Fuck. That totally fits too. I mean, I think this guy is a shit ton more honest than the guy had the unpleasant misfortune of dealing with, but still.... that's it!

I don't know. I still want this to be true love song because I always thought of it as such. I know now that it isn't, but still wonder if there's any other interpretations that fit.

No matter what, I'll always LOVE this song *stares off into space*

Friday, March 4, 2016

2 AM Ramblings

So, I'm 30. Just turned the big 3-0 yesterday. As a result, I've just been thinking about life. Naturally, my brain didn't really start kicking in and thinking about it until I woke up at 2 in the morning having to pee.

So much has changed. I'm not sure when the changes started.... I think maybe around the time that I got married. My husband has been such a catalyst of growth for me. While not the sole reason, he is a big part of me realizing my worth as a woman and a human being. Once that started happening, I started seeing things and people and situations in a different light. This provoked change.

It hasn't been easy and there's days I still go back and forth on some of my choices. But I always choose the best for me. I've dropped friends who I've known for decades. I've let go of ghosts that's haunted me. I never got to feel young because I was always going through it. Some bad mistakes were made for me and effected me. Many were my own doing. Having the most rotten people in your life who live to crush you sets you up to make all sorts of shit decisions because you won't feel like you can do any better. Don't keep yourself around people that make you feel worthless. I know how hard it is to realize this when you're around those types of people. Because they will make you feel like you're just getting what you deserve. Don't believe it. In the most pessimistic of views, you can look at it this way: Even Hitler had a lot of support and people rooting for him. YOU are not worse than Hitler. So find people to surround yourself with that uplift you.

30 has brought on confidence. Knowledge. Respect and love for myself. Understanding. Acceptance. I may not have a lot of family, but I've reconnected with some. And those members that I do have an active relationship with, I just love to death. I keep them close and try to show that they have my love. I may not have a lot of friends, but the ones I have, I know I can trust. They are there for me and take an active role in the friendship. I may not be the best mom, but I try everyday. I've never tried so hard at something in my life! So much research on how to do better than what I am currently doing as a parent. My mom used to tell me that no one can be perfect but everyone should strive to be. I never understood that. Why try for something you know you'll never get? I get it now. I will never be the perfect mom. But I can NEVER give up on trying. The day I give up trying to be the perfect mom is the day that I'm not even a good mom. My son and daughter are just too important, too precious, too much of my heart and soul for me to ever contemplate doing anything less than that. By my side is my husband. My support. My....everything. If I were on a pedestal, he'd be the pillar I stood on. He holds me up. However, I am not greater than he and he is not greater than me. Since the day we met, he's always felt like my missing puzzle piece. Or like the other half of my heart. Not to say that I'm not whole without him, but to say that I'm better with him. Not every day is perfect or happy or easy. Most days are though. The days that aren't, we get through and learn something about each other and we actively try to change so the problem doesn't persist.

I'm readying myself for my career. I'm no longer letting the chips fall where they may, but playing an active role in getting what I want. Not just in work but in life. I'm vocal about lines that can not be crossed and what I am not comfortable with. I'm pushing my comfort zone further back so I can know when discomfort is legitimate and not just unfamiliarity. I've opened myself up, just a little more than before. That's something I continue to work on, daily really. I've been closed off and closed up since I was a kid, so this is something that is not easy. But I have seen the perks of doing this with the right people. Not only have I gotten more of what I want but I have found truly wonderful people that I look up to and adore just from working with them a few hours everyday. Work is something I can look forward to, which means I can also put my all into it and excel.

There's a misconception about young people that they think they know everything. And that the older you get, the more you realize you know nothing. This is just completely untrue. I've realized that I always felt like I knew nothing. But the older I get, the more COMFORTABLE I am with that fact. Not in a way where I stop trying to know more. But in a way where I don't feel like it's an insult and me not knowing something is not a roadblock but an opportunity to learn something and knock off some items on my "Things Michelle Does Not Know" list.

These are things I've learned. These are things I know. These are the changes in my life. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am secure and I am happy. The things that aren't how I want, I am actively working on making better with my teammate, my husband, my partner, my love- Devaughn.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Have I been getting what I deserve?!!!

Whenever there's opportunities knocking at my door, I never know what path to take. I never know if reaching for any opportunity is a bad step and I need to just stay in my lackluster path and hope it grows to what I need it to or if I need to take advantage and leave the past behind. 

Because of this confusion I always ask that I be led in the right direction - to which ever path leads me to the life I deserve. I'm not religious or anything but I like to put out in the universe what I want so hopefully it can come to me. 

Well while I was showering today, I was putting those vibes out, hoping to be lead to the life I deserve when it hit me: what if I'm getting what I deserve? What if what I deserve is to always fall short? Always have that one (or more) thing that haunts my life and makes me miserable? What if I'm a shitty person and don't realize it? I mean not every asshole knows he's an asshole right? I seriously hope not anyway. So what if I'm that asshole? Should I be asking for life to give me what I want instead of what I think I deserve? 

I hate asking for what I want. I always have. Even as a child. 8 year old me would get in her knees, clasp her hands and pray to God. She'd say "dear god, I just want to be happy. I don't know what that might be, because I know people sometimes think they know what might make them happy and they're wrong. So I don't want to ask for what I think might make me happy. I just want to ask to be happy because that's all I want. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen." 

20 years later, I still feel that way. Like what the fuck do I know? Idk I'm going back and forth in my mind now and maybe it's fine. I'm okay with whatever life sentence I get if that's the one I deserve. I just want to know that I deserve it. 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Bill Cosby and the Blacks

I've been hearing so much about Bill Cosby lately. Posts about how he's unfairly being charged and prosecuted because everyone hates black people and want to hold us down are flooding my time line. My head hurts every time I see a post and stupidly look at the comments. I hope for someone smart to comment on how this isn't a black issue but it doesn't happen. I mean, if it does, it's way down the line of comments and my brain can't handle too much stupidity before it shuts down on itself.

I am all for black rights. I love and respect my race and do see the everyday racism. I see and understand that there are great injustices towards black people that everyone wants to just sweep under the rug like it's no big deal. Perhaps they don't understand why so many things black people complain about are big deals. However, I despise when people stick up for someone just because of their color and this is what black people are doing.

This man has raped women throughout the 60's, the 70's, the 80's, the 90's and in the 2000's. In 2005, a bunch of women, including his last victim who started the lawsuit, got together to sue Bill for his transgressions. This was 10 years ago. This was public knowledge. This was swept under the rug.

In court, Bill ADMITTED to drugging women so he could have sex with them. THAT IS RAPE. I don't want to hear about how this case had no proof. Fucking proof? Bill Cosby himself said he did this! What more proof do you need?!!!!

I refuse to victim blame. I've never been raped and definitely not by someone uber famous and powerful. So, I can not say with any certainty that if I were, I'd go to the cops. I can say that many rape victims (whether by someone famous, the huge football star or by a regular joe shmoe) do not usually go to the cops. They fear being attacked, judged, blamed and not getting any justice. Like you know, what's happening here. So to hear people say that Bill didn't do anything because these poor women went to the police way too late is just disgusting to me. That's not a reason.

Then after that, I start seeing people mention other famous people who are white who's done shitty things. Charlie Sheen and his giving AIDS to women without telling them that he had it, Stephen Collins and how he admittedly molested 3 children, Woody Allen and how he dated and married his practical step daughter. I haven't seen this mentioned, but I'll even add Roman Polanski and his rape against a minor. Everyone says how these people got away with their transgressions and are sticking it to Bill because he's black.

To which I say: You are so dumb. Really, really dumb. We as a society put celebrities on a pedestal. They can do no wrong even when they do the worst. Sheen is getting sued, there is a case forming against him. As for everyone else? Well, they're in the same boat as Bill, only Bill's ship is being sunk because of quantity. Remember up there when I mentioned that his last victim (he raped her in 2004, case against him was in 2005) was the one to bring about the suit? Well, he easily would've gotten away with the many, many, many, many, many women he raped if he had you know.... stopped. At any point. But especially before her. But shit! No one cared even then though. It took 10 years later and a stand up comedian pointing out that he's a rapist for anyone to even take notice!

So yeah, what these white famous people did is disgusting and they should be in prison for it. (Although they tried to get Polanski and Allen's wife obviously never filed charges). But so should Bill. And he was getting away with it just like the rest of them and being looked up to all the while. It's all the same guys. This isn't about fucking race.

Lastly, you're reaching when you bring up police in regards to Bill Cosby. One has nothing to do with the other. I get your point is something like if white people can get away with bad things then why can't blacks (I guess). But the police thing isn't related. There's racism for sure in that but I don't really see black cops getting fired for shooting white people either. It's a cop thing. Cops don't go down for anything ever. There's racism involved still but there's just so many levels with that, you just can't lump that in.

So please, can we stop this madness? It's not a race issue, it's a celebrity issue. I mean, why isn't anyone upset that this went on for so long? He's admittedly raped all these women and has been doing it for decades and you're upset that he's finally getting his just deserts? I can't comprehend the anger about this. Even if it was a race issue, I mean.... he fucking raped a ton of women! Stop making everything Black VS White and make it Justice VS Injustice.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Best Music of 2015

At least according to this Youtube list.

1. Adele- Hello
Goodbye. I get that you were in a relationship and the guy broke your heart. I mean, I really really REALLY get it Adele.

2. Justin Beiber- Sorry
This song is boring yet catchy. How does that even work?

3. Drake- Hotline Bling
The day isn't over until every member of my family sings the chorus at some point. "Ever since I left the city youuuuuuu" :D

4. Justin Beiber- What Do You Mean?
Man, that means that your poor girlfriend is confused because you're a major suck ass boyfriend but she's still in love with you. Question. Answered.

5. Justin Beiber- Love Yourself

6. The Weeknd- The Hills
I hate that I love this song. Especially since that missing E from his name which sounds like it should be for a band and not a person is super irritating to me. But this line: "When I'm fucked up that's the real me" just really speaks to the person I was earlier in my life.

7. Shawn Mendes- Stitches
"When I'm without your kisses, I'll be needing stitches" Go fuck yourself Shawn. That's stupid.

8. Selena Gomez- Same Old Love
Oh shit! This was a Selena Gomez song?! It's a corny pop love song that doesn't go full cornball (see Shawn Mendes). Guilty pleasure for sure.

9. Meghan Trainor- Like I'm Gonna Lose You
Ok, this is less annoying than her other songs, but I'm sure I speak for all of America when I say- Meghan, we're done with you. Please stop.

10. Fetty Wap- 679
Fetty Wap? Is that like a sex thing or something?

11. Elle King- Ex's & Oh's
I've heard this song and never knew who sings it. I love her voice but not a fan of the song.

12. Ellie Goulding- On My Mind

13. Drake- Jumpman
Literally never heard this song before

14. The Weeknd- Can't Feel My Face
Fuck. 2 songs that I like by you man?! Ugh! Fine! "You'll never be A.LO.O.O.ONE! I can't feel my face when I'm with you but I love it!" I love these lyrics.

15. Travis Scott- Antidote
Apparently a lot was happening in rap that I had no clue about. WTF is this?

16. Major Lazer & DJ Snake- Lean On
Annoying song but very happy the video matches the Bollywood feel from the song.

17. Taylor Swift- Wildest Dreams
No. This has nothing to do with wild dreams.

18. The Weeknd- DD/In the Night
Never heard of it

19. Bryson Tiller- Don't
Never heard this song either lol. But this just makes me want to listen to Jewel's Don't. Yes. Jewel. The one that lived in a van down by the river.

20. The Voice Jordan Smith
The Voice? Really?

21. Mariah Carey- All I Want for Christmas is You
Well, I mean, this song is nowhere close to being released in 2015. *shrugs* "Make my wish come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue. All I want for Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas is yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou!" YAS!

22. Post Malone- White Iverson
Ok, this is where I look to see how many songs are on this list and decide to just write about the ones I know. Because as far as I'm concerned 100 songs weren't even released all of 2015. Oh yeah and this song is a joke WTF

27. Silento- Watch me (Whip/NaeNae)
This song is trash that everyone dances to. It's impossible not to. It's the macarena of 2015 and I love watching my daughter do the whip and naenae :)

39. Skrillex & Diplo- Where Are U Now
I can't even explain why I like this song. Maybe it's the clapping sound because it's makes you wanna clap along and then you think it's good.

41. Selena Gomez- Good For You
Ok, so she has an actual good voice. I love listening to her even though her songs have no meat to it. Also, I don't love the message to this song even though I know every women is like this. Still....

42. Wiz Khalifa- See You Again
I didn't know this song existed until it was reviewed by Todd in the Shadows. Then I started hearing it on the radio and I hated it. I mean, it's just a bullshit song that I feel is meant to emotionally manipulate you into watching that stupid movie. But then, my daughter started missing my husband when he'd go to work and she'd sing this song to him. Heart. Breaking. So that's what I associate with this song. It's sweet and sad at the same time. And now, I kinda love it.

44. OMI- Cheerleader
I FUCKING HATE THIS SONG! It's so annoying. The singing is annoying. The lyrics are sickeningly sweet. It's gross. I hate it.

57. Gwen Stefani- Used to Love You
Ugh. I loved No Doubt. I loved Gwen when she first went solo. I was super sad that her and Gavin were splitting but I can't lie, I was super psyched for the music to come from it. But this? Boring. I feel like she's trying hard to portray that she's being raw but isn't. Kinda like that Beyonce documentary that came out. I mean, I'm pretty sure she's done this song before only without outright saying that she hates Gavin. So I'm just disappointed all around.

58. Missy Elliot- WTF
I really super hope she makes a good song like she used to. Keep trying Missy!

LOL see? I didn't hear that many songs this year. Only like 5 played on the radio and then I heard maybe another 7 online. Virally. I mean like ones that went viral. Am I saying that right? I feel so old right now.


Thursday, November 19, 2015

Sweet Surprise I Could Get Used To

So today my son has to get an EEG which means he couldn't get much sleep. Which means, no one has gotten much sleep. After caffeinating a shit ton, staying up til 11 and then not sleeping well due to the overcaffeination and getting up at 5 am, I pretty much was a zombie this morning. Which as a mom, I just can't stand. So, I do the only logical thing one can do once coffee isn't really working- I get on Youtube. This leads me on a Watch Mojo binge. The subject: Pop/Punk bands. I start in on top 10's of bands and songs from from those bands. This launches me down an emotional memory lane where the soundtrack of my life was the sound of my repeatedly breaking heart and the songs that perfectly captured this. It made me realize how far I've come where I just don't listen to that kind of music any more because I can't relate any longer. And while I could easily pull up whole albums, songs or even just some lyrics that seemed to be written specifically for me to use as a band aid for my heart to continue making horrible decisions; I wanted to revel in my happiness.

Here are the songs that make me think of my husband:

This is the first song that comes to mind. When I heard this song, I cried and realized the change that has happened where I no longer relating to sad heart break songs but love songs. I've gone through a lot in my life with pretty much everyone I've ever encountered letting me down and fucking me over in major ways. Naturally, this didn't make me want relationships of any kind. But in so many ways, Devaughn was and still is the only exception.

He IS the answer. To everything. When they ask me who I love- Devaughn is the answer :) This is just one of those songs where it's like, wanna know how he makes me feel and what he means to me? Just listen to this song. The lyrics say it all.

This is one of my all time favorite songs. I've noticed that when I like a song that I don't currently relate to, that at some point in my life, that song will be the story of my life. This song, I loved. I loved it so hard. Never knowing what it was like to feel like this towards anyone, I just assumed this song was the exception that I loved it because Foo Fighters are fucking awesome. Now, I listen to it and a face comes to mind, I get goosebumps, my heart starts singing along. Dave singing "If everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again. The only thing I'd ever ask of you, you gotta promise not to stop when I say when" feels like a direct quote from me to my husband.

Specifically the first verse of this song is literally what I feel everyday of my life.

This was my anthem a little before we got married.  I was unwrapping myself from bad habits I had gotten used to and learning what love really is supposed to be like. He wasn't breaking me down, he was lifting me up. I mean I just felt loved, secure, positivity and happiness. This was legit the first time in my entire life I've felt those things.

These are just the ones that immediately came to my head. I know there's more and may update. But since we're approaching our 5 year wedding anniversary, I wanted to also just add: Thank you baby. You are the only thing I always look forward to everyday and easily the best part of my day. I love you with everything inside of me. You're the Frye to my Leela :-*

Sunday, June 7, 2015

"I am heartless Michelle" Means Just That

I learned some truth today. People are very honest. I always felt like people are liars and that's why I couldn't trust them. But nope. People are honest as fuck but they're not forthcoming with their honesty. 

What I've realized is that people always tell you and show you their true colors with their relationships with other people. Take a look. If someone you care about is lying constantly to other friends or family they're lying to you. 

I think we tend to think that we are more than what we are. That we're the exception. So you got your man and he lies and cheats his friends or even strangers, you might think: well he doesn't do that with me. I'm the exception because he loves me more. NOPE! That's that persons character showing. That's that persons true self. He's telling you who he is and showing you what he does. And he's doing it to you. 

Tonight I lost a long time friend. I've seen him lie to friends, manipulate friends, purposefully disrespect and fuck friends over. I've seen him do this with no remorse because he felt he deserved something or felt he was in the wrong. No matter how many times i would say to him "hey talk to this person first and tell them how you feel cuz you never know their side of the story" he never would. He'd take action and feel vindicated. I always thought our friendship was more special, that I was the exception to this. I knew he'd lie to me sometimes but assumed it wasn't over anything big. Just white lies and that we were something other than what we were. He showed me today that I was on the same level as everyone else. Why he got mad and threw me under the bus? I have no clue. I asked but he didn't want to say. I've seen this played out many times before but never thought it'd happen to me or that he'd do me like that. But I ignored who he was. He doesn't have a single person close to him and I ignored that but that fact is meaningful. All his past actions were meaningful. 

Same thing happened with an ex. He would lie to his friends and family constantly and talk shit about them behind their backs. I thought I was the exception for awhile. He showed me repeatedly that I wasn't but it didn't hit home with me for several reasons I won't get into. 

This is all I'm saying and it's a reminder for me as much as it's a warning to you: if you don't approve or like the way someone in your life treats others then don't stick around because they will eventually treat you the exact same way.