Because of this confusion I always ask that I be led in the right direction - to which ever path leads me to the life I deserve. I'm not religious or anything but I like to put out in the universe what I want so hopefully it can come to me.
Well while I was showering today, I was putting those vibes out, hoping to be lead to the life I deserve when it hit me: what if I'm getting what I deserve? What if what I deserve is to always fall short? Always have that one (or more) thing that haunts my life and makes me miserable? What if I'm a shitty person and don't realize it? I mean not every asshole knows he's an asshole right? I seriously hope not anyway. So what if I'm that asshole? Should I be asking for life to give me what I want instead of what I think I deserve?
I hate asking for what I want. I always have. Even as a child. 8 year old me would get in her knees, clasp her hands and pray to God. She'd say "dear god, I just want to be happy. I don't know what that might be, because I know people sometimes think they know what might make them happy and they're wrong. So I don't want to ask for what I think might make me happy. I just want to ask to be happy because that's all I want. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen."
20 years later, I still feel that way. Like what the fuck do I know? Idk I'm going back and forth in my mind now and maybe it's fine. I'm okay with whatever life sentence I get if that's the one I deserve. I just want to know that I deserve it.