Thursday, November 19, 2015

Sweet Surprise I Could Get Used To

So today my son has to get an EEG which means he couldn't get much sleep. Which means, no one has gotten much sleep. After caffeinating a shit ton, staying up til 11 and then not sleeping well due to the overcaffeination and getting up at 5 am, I pretty much was a zombie this morning. Which as a mom, I just can't stand. So, I do the only logical thing one can do once coffee isn't really working- I get on Youtube. This leads me on a Watch Mojo binge. The subject: Pop/Punk bands. I start in on top 10's of bands and songs from from those bands. This launches me down an emotional memory lane where the soundtrack of my life was the sound of my repeatedly breaking heart and the songs that perfectly captured this. It made me realize how far I've come where I just don't listen to that kind of music any more because I can't relate any longer. And while I could easily pull up whole albums, songs or even just some lyrics that seemed to be written specifically for me to use as a band aid for my heart to continue making horrible decisions; I wanted to revel in my happiness.

Here are the songs that make me think of my husband:

This is the first song that comes to mind. When I heard this song, I cried and realized the change that has happened where I no longer relating to sad heart break songs but love songs. I've gone through a lot in my life with pretty much everyone I've ever encountered letting me down and fucking me over in major ways. Naturally, this didn't make me want relationships of any kind. But in so many ways, Devaughn was and still is the only exception.

He IS the answer. To everything. When they ask me who I love- Devaughn is the answer :) This is just one of those songs where it's like, wanna know how he makes me feel and what he means to me? Just listen to this song. The lyrics say it all.

This is one of my all time favorite songs. I've noticed that when I like a song that I don't currently relate to, that at some point in my life, that song will be the story of my life. This song, I loved. I loved it so hard. Never knowing what it was like to feel like this towards anyone, I just assumed this song was the exception that I loved it because Foo Fighters are fucking awesome. Now, I listen to it and a face comes to mind, I get goosebumps, my heart starts singing along. Dave singing "If everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again. The only thing I'd ever ask of you, you gotta promise not to stop when I say when" feels like a direct quote from me to my husband.

Specifically the first verse of this song is literally what I feel everyday of my life.

This was my anthem a little before we got married.  I was unwrapping myself from bad habits I had gotten used to and learning what love really is supposed to be like. He wasn't breaking me down, he was lifting me up. I mean I just felt loved, secure, positivity and happiness. This was legit the first time in my entire life I've felt those things.

These are just the ones that immediately came to my head. I know there's more and may update. But since we're approaching our 5 year wedding anniversary, I wanted to also just add: Thank you baby. You are the only thing I always look forward to everyday and easily the best part of my day. I love you with everything inside of me. You're the Frye to my Leela :-*

Sunday, June 7, 2015

"I am heartless Michelle" Means Just That

I learned some truth today. People are very honest. I always felt like people are liars and that's why I couldn't trust them. But nope. People are honest as fuck but they're not forthcoming with their honesty. 

What I've realized is that people always tell you and show you their true colors with their relationships with other people. Take a look. If someone you care about is lying constantly to other friends or family they're lying to you. 

I think we tend to think that we are more than what we are. That we're the exception. So you got your man and he lies and cheats his friends or even strangers, you might think: well he doesn't do that with me. I'm the exception because he loves me more. NOPE! That's that persons character showing. That's that persons true self. He's telling you who he is and showing you what he does. And he's doing it to you. 

Tonight I lost a long time friend. I've seen him lie to friends, manipulate friends, purposefully disrespect and fuck friends over. I've seen him do this with no remorse because he felt he deserved something or felt he was in the wrong. No matter how many times i would say to him "hey talk to this person first and tell them how you feel cuz you never know their side of the story" he never would. He'd take action and feel vindicated. I always thought our friendship was more special, that I was the exception to this. I knew he'd lie to me sometimes but assumed it wasn't over anything big. Just white lies and that we were something other than what we were. He showed me today that I was on the same level as everyone else. Why he got mad and threw me under the bus? I have no clue. I asked but he didn't want to say. I've seen this played out many times before but never thought it'd happen to me or that he'd do me like that. But I ignored who he was. He doesn't have a single person close to him and I ignored that but that fact is meaningful. All his past actions were meaningful. 

Same thing happened with an ex. He would lie to his friends and family constantly and talk shit about them behind their backs. I thought I was the exception for awhile. He showed me repeatedly that I wasn't but it didn't hit home with me for several reasons I won't get into. 

This is all I'm saying and it's a reminder for me as much as it's a warning to you: if you don't approve or like the way someone in your life treats others then don't stick around because they will eventually treat you the exact same way. 

Monday, March 16, 2015

Just My Opinion....

I'm getting so sick and tired of people being upset about opinions! Someone says their thoughts on something, people get angry and then other people are like "why can't they say what they want?" "Why is it that only you (opposing side) can voice your opinion?" "What happened to freedom of speech?"

Fucking nothing happened to it! We all use it all of the time! Freedom of speech does not equal freedom of consequences. Freedom of speech means you can't get jailed or killed or in certain cases censored for what you say. It does not mean that you get to be a dick saying the worst things possible and everyone has to shut their mouth about it. It does not mean that if you cross the line in your opinion or words and say something hate filled that makes your company look bad, that you get to keep your job.

In a world where everyone is constantly saying what they think and feel, how can you feel like freedom of speech is gone?

And god dammit yes you get your opinion. Every fucking body has an opinion. Every fucking body is telling every one else their opinion. In what fucking world do you think that you get to spout off about your beliefs and thoughts and no one else gets to respond? I hate this more than anything.

Please, go on and on about how children created from IVF are not real? Or how you're so feminist and want to put an end to "rape culture" even though you just finished calling another female a whore? Or excuse every story that involves race by coming up with reasons it's not really racist? Ok well I'll just be like:

How it works is you say something then I say something. I don't have to like or agree with what you said just like you don't have to like or agree with what I said. 

This is why before social media, there were rules as to what you could talk about in mixed company: no politics, no religion talk, no talk about finances and you don't talk about sex. But in this world today when everyone tells everyone everything like what they had for a snack or the fact that they're at the gym, we get to hear every person's opinion on all these no no topics and more. So this is what happens- everyone gets angry and there's fights and there's consequences. Yet no one understands that this is the other side of freedom of speech and lack of decency. 

Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Little Mermaid from a Parental View

The Little Mermaid has always been my favorite movie. I couldn't even tell you how many times I've seen it because I would literally watch it and then rewind the vhs and watch it again. I LOVED this movie and still do. However, watching it as an adult- specifically as a mother is a tad bit different than watching it as a child. So as I watch this with my two kids who begged me to put it in (win!), I'm going to share my reactions.

King Titan mentions Ariel is 16 and this little girl has the nerve to say she's not a child. Giiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrlllll.... yes you are! You are a child. Have a seat until you're 24.

"Bet you on land, they understand, that you don't reprimand your daughter."
-SMH just proving how young and naive you are and that you need to listen to your daddy.

Ariel just rescued Eric and is all up on him but really she needs to get her barely clothed, underage fin back under the sea.

You love him? You stalked him once and now you love him? SMH. Now, I know that what your dad did was a little harsh but he warned you.... all you had to do was listen and not go back up to land. This is just as much your fault. 

Does this look like someone you should trust? Yes she's fabulous, but she does not look like someone who does favors out of the goodness of her heart. Now, go home so you can learn a little bit about life before you start making stupid life altering choices.

Sebastian: Ok, this is bad. I gotta go tell your dad so he can fix this and have everything go back to normal. Ugh! No, I can't. You'll be miserable forever.
-Sebastian..... WHAT?! The fucking King's 16 year old daughter just ran away, sold her soul to an evil sea witch just so she can go on land and try to be with this dude she sorta kinda met just once. You don't think maybe that her father knowing these details is a tad bit more important than her being angry for a few days before she gets over it and moves on to something else? No? K.

Meanwhile under the sea: King Titan is totally freaking out worried about his daughter being lost. This is literally heartbreaking to me. I remember when I was a kid, I'd think "Good. You should have listened to Ariel and been nicer to her. Maybe now you will learn." and that makes me want to slap my younger self in the face. Poor guy is crying. :(

We're still not telling the King/protective dad? No? K.

What happens when your stupid, underage child signs a contract with an obviously untrustworthy person you told her to stay away from because she wanted to go after a guy you told her to stay away from? Answer: She eventually realizes she was wrong but it's way too late and everything is fucked and all she can do is say "Sorry daddy! I didn't mean to!" Yeah well that's exactly why he told you not to do the things you decided to do anyway. He's older and wiser and knows what's up. You didn't know but he did. LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS!

Is it wrong that I really want this to be the ending of the movie? This should be a cautionary tale to young people. This is what happens when you don't listen to your parents kids.... everyone dies and the evil witch becomes queen.

Well, after this we all know that the ultra happy ending comes where the dad lets his underage child marry the guy she's known for days and who only fell in love with her because of her voice and looks and everyone lives happily ever after. So yeah... I have a slightly different perspective on this movie now that I have a daughter who I know will be just as hard headed and unwilling to listen to me even though I'm right about everything. But I still love it!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Beyonce > Kim?

I feel like it's stupid to even ask this question because everyone has a general consensus that Beyonce, even if she isn't your queen B, definitely reins over Kim K. It seems that even Beyonce feels this is true and can't even stand to be near Kim at any point. Then everyone condones Bey for acting like a child around Kim by saying "well, I wouldn't want to be around her either!"

I find this ridiculous. How is Beyonce better than Kim? Truly, I'd like to know. Let's chat....

Both these ladies have the exact same talent: Getting millions of people to pay attention to them and spend their hard earned money on their stupid shit. Beyonce can "sing". She has such an amazingly ok voice. She's right up there with Britney and Jennifer Lopez. Somehow she's convinced her fans that she has an above average voice. She doesn't.

lol ok that's not fair. Everyone has a bad day. Her crime is just having an 
extremely boring voice that mirrors her non personality

I give JLO and my personal favorite, Brit a pass because they at least have personality and aren't trying to come off as better than anybody. They're more like I'm like you but I really love to dance and sing so this is my job. I respect that. Beyonce acts like she has this shut down the house kind of voice and that it makes her above other people. So to say she has a talent is a little bit of a stretch if you're talking about her singing.

Kim's talent is making an actually hot sex tape (not because of her but daaaaaaaamn Ray J!) and then building a motherfucking empire off of it! Ray hasn't been able to do much from that tape besides shitty VH1 shows about his slutty love life. If I remember correctly, people knew Paris before her tape came out, that just launched her more. But Kim... she was nonexistent until this tape. Next thing I know she has a show that created 2 spin offs, made her entire fucking family famous, a clothing line, a make up line, a perfume line (right? I don't remember accurately. I can't keep up all that well with the Kardashians) and a mobile game that alone, would make her a millionaire. I mean.... WHAT??!!

Ok so what they both have going for them, is the same talent of super businesswomen with pimplicious parents with questionable morals.

I always feel like someone is joking when they say Yonce has class. But then they look at me dead serious and I get confused. Like, you guys know that it's just a facade she puts up and that's why she's never in the public eye like that because she doesn't want to break that facade, right? Anytime I hear anything remotely interesting about Beyonce, it's because she was being downright dirty or downright bitchy. She's not classy, she just knows to shut her mouth up. At all times. Even though this makes her as interesting and relatable as the wall. But let's just go through a few classy things that is of Beyonce:

Her drinking watermelon....and many other thangs happening. And OH! my favorite classy Bey moment :D

I'm not judging though. I feel that she knows how to play the game, as does Kim. I feel that they're both beautiful women and they can flaunt that all they want. But why does that make one a whore and the other classy? Shit, Kim's sextape came from her having sex with her long time boyfriend. Beyonce is having sex with her long time husband and singing about it. Same thing. And fucking yes, it is the same thing because they're both putting their sex out there and making it public knowledge.

Let's not act like one of the two of them hasn't been involved with a controversy. Kim had the sex tape and the short marriage. Ok. Beyonce had the fake pregnancy and the trying to shut down the whole floor of a damn hospital where there were NICU babies. I personally feel that Yonce's issues are much worse but you could easily argue that they may not be true because we know nothing about Beyonce whatsoever. Shit, I auto respect anyone that puts their stuff out there, good or bad because at least you know who you're dealing with. Someone who can't be straightforward and has to have everyone else speak on your behalf is hiding something *cough*Bill Cosby*cough*. So for all we know Beyonce has done much worse but I guess it makes her better because she's not forthright and hasn't gotten caught yet?

Let's just get down to the meat of it. I don't feel that Kim is better than Beyonce but I certainly don't feel that Beyonce is better than fucking anyone. They're two in the same. They're both privilege little girls that's had no real life struggle who grew up and wanted to be more. They had a mom and dad who eventually divorced and siblings who they're very close with. They came into their own, dated other super rich dudes, fell in love with a rapper, married and had an adorable child and took tons of photos of themselves. Their job now is to keep their names in everyone's mouths no matter how pathetic.  And I mean pah. the. tic.  For Beyonce to dismiss Kim and act holier than thou makes me think less of her (IFFFFFFF it's true. I barely believe anything that the media says. Let's be honest here with that.) They really have a lot in common. For everyone else to think miss Yonce on her knees with better than Kim makes me think they can't see beyond the smoke screen that both these ladies put up. They both do, so they can make as much money as possible.

Plus guys.... they're both in the illuminati so I mean.... twinsies!

Saturday, January 10, 2015


Last night I had a dream about my ex. It's a reoccurring dream that I have every now and then but differs each time. Same place (his old apartment), same colors (like a dirty gray and black. It's always dirty), and same situation (he's moving/moved and I'm there for whatever reason). The dream can make me feel nothing but it's usually a nightmare that makes me feel awful and uncomfortable. I have to try to shake it off during the day because it just sticks. This time the dream was kinda happy. It was not happy, but leaning more towards that than anything else. Although, when I woke, I felt really.....gross, uncomfortable, troubled.

So the dream was just that my ex and I were in his old apartment. He was packing up to leave and I was there. He asked me to be there. I'm just kinda hanging around, looking around while we talk. We're being friendly to each other. So while he's going through things, I start finding MY things! This is exciting to me because each of the million and one times he kicked me out, there were things of mine that got left (naturally. No ever leaves a home with 100% of their things, you always forget something or other.) but he'd always tell me that nothing was there. I'd never see these items again and always would wonder where the hell they went (most likely in the trash can). So in my dream, being able to see all my lost items was like finding a treasure. I don't remember most of the things, but the perfume I had sticks out in my mind. Which is funny because I never lost my perfume there. At least, not the one I remember in the dream. Anyway, that's all I remember and that in the dream it was a good experience.

I don't like remembering/dreaming/thinking/seeing my ex. Ever. He is the monster hiding in my closet. I associate nothing but the worst feelings anyone could ever feel with him so even the best dream about him will make me feel like absolute shit. Then later today, something pretty innocuous happened. But it just feels like such a slap in the face and sign that bad things are to come. Maybe it's because of the dream but maybe I'm right about this because I'm actually really amazing at noticing and finding patterns and there is a definite pattern I'm seeing here and I don't fucking like it. I don't know how many times I've noticed a small action or change and I was right in questioning it because it lead to complete destruction.

We'll see soon enough I guess.